The LORD helped me to remember His goodness
I think yesterday, Saturday it was - I was getting ready for another meaningless, lonely weekend. The only stuff I had planned out was to watch this movie with Gretchen and go to the Chinese Lifegroup with Evangeline. But God gave me a chance to encourage Nathan who’s recently started dating Lauren Geppert (that cute girl that kindof looks to me like Lauren Hinds - the name doesn’t help) and I didn’t know how to respond to it. It was really awkward for me and Nate cuz we haven’t talked for ages and I’m really awkward about dating stuff anyway (I don’t know much about it and relationships freak me out). So I could’ve easily been discouraging to him and ask him polite questions about how they’re doing even though come on, it’s Nathan! my Bro! But I get a weird way when a close friend or sibling starts to date when I knew them while they’re single, e.g. Leah, Lydia, Jamie Smith etc. So it could’ve been really awkward and I could’ve been real discouraging to Nathan yesterday when he just wanted to hang out for what 40 minutes I had and I knew I had the capacity of being extremely unhelpfully awkward. But I prayed to God “Please don’t let it be the same way with how it was for Lydia and Leah. I know they just want their sister/friend’s approval and almost blessing of their relationship and they just want everyone to like this person that they love. Help me not to be jealous/awkward about it and trying to avoid the fact that they have a new best friend that they’re dating now.”
And it was extremely hard for me to say anything most of the time Nate was here. But I love him as a bro. I just find it really hard to say anything about relationships. But praise God for answering my quick 5 second prayer, because I finally asked him as we were going to the car if he always thinks about her and of course he does, and it made me smile. I would’ve thought “I wish I understood how he thought,” but I kinda do. God allowed me to experience a strange kind of attraction last year to this guy that I will not name, and even though that turned out not so well (He’s not the kind of guy that would glorify God with the relationship) at least I understand sort of how Nate my bro feels. I love him a lot, but soon his attention will be divided more to this girl that he loves and me. But I need to show my encouragement/ blessing / approval/ friendliness to Lauren. It was easy to feel sorry for myself the whole time and think “Oh now I’m the last one, great” and be all negative and stuff, but… thank my heavenly Father so much for diverting me from this destructive attitude. I wasn’t being thankful. Take a step back from selfishness, girl.
And I realized so many things in an instant. Praise God for bringing Nate to Grace and being involved with so many great Christian influences. Nathan is such an impressionable guy and he loves people, but is easily influenced by them. Easily he could’ve turned out into some other kid on a different trajectory (eg with Jon Shurr) and I wouldn’tve had anything to do with him. But God has turned him into a man that chases after Him with his soul and uses the potential (same personality as Dad, always ready and willing to take on every and any challenge) that God’s given him for the good of the Gospel and I admire that. It’s good to see him to be struggling with his human fleshly desires (I need to stop wasting time etc) than to see him struggling with un-Godly things (this girlfriend is evil and cheating on me, I’m not earning enough money etc). PRAISE GOD for saving my brother from a different lifestyle, but changing him into a man who’s outgrowing me in spiritual maturity. I need to emulate this little brother of mine, and hopefully he can be a good influence to his sisters, older and oldest. But thank God for answering my prayer for cordiality. I could’ve easily been rude.
Someone else that God’s put into my life that I can’t be a bystander to is Tammy and Ofelizabeth. Tammy doesn’t believe in the true God yet, perhaps out of skepticism or lack of desire. But all her friends here in Legett love and follow God. I hope that as me and Ofe are some of her closest influences that we won’t slack off how I usually do and just talk about meaningless junk like movies and food but really get into some conversations that Jesus, you would be involved in. I hope that by the way I live my life (even in praying before eating, in faithfulness to homework) that I can be a witness to her and Ofe. Ofe is a baby Christian and needs Christian friends to surround her, and recently she’s been feeling abandoned by God - some lie that I went through all of last semester. And there is NOTHING - I am powerless - that I can do to stop her from feeling that way. And Ali is not the answer to her way of life. God is. She can’t even discipline herself to be faithful to her coursework. And realizing this for her now, I’m starting to realize: ME TOO. I’ve been trying to beat myself into being a Christian that’s perfect and can talk to anyone, but I can’t conjure this out of myself. I can’t conjure out love for the Viz kids - where would it come from out of this selfish black pit called my heart? God has to put it in me! and I’m not asking Him for love, or not enough. Father, help me to love and forgive Leah and the Viz kids the way you constantly love and forgive ME for the sins i’ve wronged and defamed you with. Help me to live my life that glorifies you. Amen.
Then today I needed to hang out with Tianna and Sarah (but my phone died magically and Sarah couldn’t come again) and I prayed to God that I can use this time to encourage her and stuff. Cuz easily it could’ve been awkward and we’d just eat and leave. We’re both not the talkative kind of people and even if we were the conversation could easily been not glorifying to God. But somehow God just jumped into the conversation and it flowed and she told me about Marbles and I told her about my dwindling but still aflame bible study and she told me about her crush on this Corps guy. And how that got her to meet a Christian girl in Davis-Gary, that place of spiritual darkness. Praise the Lord! Especially praise the Lord that we could talk to each other like old friends even though we’re both naturally quiet and that she confided this things to me even if she’s usually less open. Thank God.
Now T is here. Please help me witness, Lord