Diary of a Priscilla

The LORD helped me to remember His goodness

I think yesterday, Saturday it was - I was getting ready for another meaningless, lonely weekend. The only stuff I had planned out was to watch this movie with Gretchen and go to the Chinese Lifegroup with Evangeline. But God gave me a chance to encourage Nathan who’s recently started dating Lauren Geppert (that cute girl that kindof looks to me like Lauren Hinds - the name doesn’t help) and I didn’t know how to respond to it. It was really awkward for me and Nate cuz we haven’t talked for ages and I’m really awkward about dating stuff anyway (I don’t know much about it and relationships freak me out). So I could’ve easily been discouraging to him and ask him polite questions about how they’re doing even though come on, it’s Nathan! my Bro! But I get a weird way when a close friend or sibling starts to date when I knew them while they’re single, e.g. Leah, Lydia, Jamie Smith etc. So it could’ve been really awkward and I could’ve been real discouraging to Nathan yesterday when he just wanted to hang out for what 40 minutes I had and I knew I had the capacity of being extremely unhelpfully awkward. But I prayed to God “Please don’t let it be the same way with how it was for Lydia and Leah. I know they just want their sister/friend’s approval and almost blessing of their relationship and they just want everyone to like this person that they love. Help me not to be jealous/awkward about it and trying to avoid the fact that they have a new best friend that they’re dating now.”

And it was extremely hard for me to say anything most of the time Nate was here. But I love him as a bro. I just find it really hard to say anything about relationships. But praise God for answering my quick 5 second prayer, because I finally asked him as we were going to the car if he always thinks about her and of course he does, and it made me smile. I would’ve thought “I wish I understood how he thought,” but I kinda do. God allowed me to experience a strange kind of attraction last year to this guy that I will not name, and even though that turned out not so well (He’s not the kind of guy that would glorify God with the relationship) at least I understand sort of how Nate my bro feels. I love him a lot, but soon his attention will be divided more to this girl that he loves and me. But I need to show my encouragement/ blessing / approval/ friendliness to Lauren. It was easy to feel sorry for myself the whole time and think “Oh now I’m the last one, great” and be all negative and stuff, but… thank my heavenly Father so much for diverting me from this destructive attitude. I wasn’t being thankful. Take a step back from selfishness, girl.

And I realized so many things in an instant. Praise God for bringing Nate to Grace and being involved with so many great Christian influences. Nathan is such an impressionable guy and he loves people, but is easily influenced by them. Easily he could’ve turned out into some other kid on a different trajectory (eg with Jon Shurr) and I wouldn’tve had anything to do with him. But God has turned him into a man that chases after Him with his soul and uses the potential (same personality as Dad, always ready and willing to take on every and any challenge) that God’s given him for the good of the Gospel and I admire that. It’s good to see him to be struggling with his human fleshly desires (I need to stop wasting time etc) than to see him struggling with un-Godly things (this girlfriend is evil and cheating on me, I’m not earning enough money etc). PRAISE GOD for saving my brother from a different lifestyle, but changing him into a man who’s outgrowing me in spiritual maturity. I need to emulate this little brother of mine, and hopefully he can be a good influence to his sisters, older and oldest. But thank God for answering my prayer for cordiality. I could’ve easily been rude.

Someone else that God’s put into my life that I can’t be a bystander to is Tammy and Ofelizabeth. Tammy doesn’t believe in the true God yet, perhaps out of skepticism or lack of desire. But all her friends here in Legett love and follow God. I hope that as me and Ofe are some of her closest influences that we won’t slack off how I usually do and just talk about meaningless junk like movies and food but really get into some conversations that Jesus, you would be involved in. I hope that by the way I live my life (even in praying before eating, in faithfulness to homework) that I can be a witness to her and Ofe. Ofe is a baby Christian and needs Christian friends to surround her, and recently she’s been feeling abandoned by God - some lie that I went through all of last semester. And there is NOTHING - I am powerless - that I can do to stop her from feeling that way. And Ali is not the answer to her way of life. God is. She can’t even discipline herself to be faithful to her coursework. And realizing this for her now, I’m starting to realize: ME TOO. I’ve been trying to beat myself into being a Christian that’s perfect and can talk to anyone, but I can’t conjure this out of myself. I can’t conjure out love for the Viz kids - where would it come from out of this selfish black pit called my heart? God has to put it in me! and I’m not asking Him for love, or not enough. Father, help me to love and forgive Leah and the Viz kids the way you constantly love and forgive ME for the sins i’ve wronged and defamed you with. Help me to live my life that glorifies you. Amen.

Then today I needed to hang out with Tianna and Sarah (but my phone died magically and Sarah couldn’t come again) and I prayed to God that I can use this time to encourage her and  stuff. Cuz easily it could’ve been awkward and we’d just eat and leave. We’re both not the talkative kind of people and even if we were the conversation could easily been not glorifying to God. But somehow God just jumped into the conversation and it flowed and she told me about Marbles and I told her about my dwindling but still aflame bible study and she told me about her crush on this Corps guy. And how that got her to meet a Christian girl in Davis-Gary, that place of spiritual darkness. Praise the Lord! Especially praise the Lord that we could talk to each other like old friends even though we’re both naturally quiet and that she confided this things to me even if she’s usually less open. Thank God.

Now T is here. Please help me witness, Lord

Today is Sunday of Thanksgiving

…and I have returned to College Station, one of the few times I’ve dreaded returning to CS since fish year - and on the contrary Nate wants to get back early. SO unlike last year!

Stuff to think about:

Yes, maybe I have been a bit intolerant, and even twisted morality and Christianity to support my views. But not completely. But today at IBC in front of me Mom and Nate sat this really cute old couple, but they were like smooching constantly in front of us and it weirded me out. But then I realized, no, some people just are like that. It’s not awkward for them, and it’s probably not wrong either (except when it takes away from their focus on God) but there I was, thinking of Leah again, and how it was like her and Aaron and how it made me feel super awkwarded out. But today in church (I haven’t felt impacted by God or church or the HS or Jesus recently, probably because I was blocking them out - I still dont’ know what’s wrong with me!!) Pastor Barry talked about being prepared for Jesus’ second and last coming. He used the analogy of his wife’s pregnancy - obviously they are expecting the baby, it’s going to come sooner or later - but they were not realllly prepared for it, they didn’t even have a camera!  So many of us is like that! If we were really prepared for Christ’s coming daily, we would change EVERYTHING about our lives! If I expected Jesus to come today, I would NOT be playing Neopets or buying Christmas presents and instead be trying to tell everyone about him and try and strengthen the people around me and encourage them LOOK to Christ and things that are unseen, because THOSE are eternal!! and Loving on people and having patience because I’d rather see God smile on them than not!! It cut me to the core. We aren’t ready! We know he’s coming. But we’re not ready, I’m not ready ever. I live like he’s never going to come, or at least that he won’t come til I die. But lord knows maybe I’ll die tomorrow, and all the stuff I say i’ll do - change the world, tell my friends about Christ, all that stuff - it’s not gonna happen. God means for me to be here because He has a purpose for my life that won’t end before I finish it.

Thank God! Love Him so much. He’s provided me with so much = Jesus. Jesus gave it all and all to Him I owe. If Christ did not resurrect from His death then there is NO HOPE.

I love you God!!!

The Big 2-0

So I spent the last day of my teenage year:

- at my first Bonfire Memorial, a beautiful memorial of the death of 12 honorable Aggies

- praying with the two other Viz kids for change of heart and attitude in the lab and for ourselves (Travs and Bailee)

- Chillin at the puppy store and having spicy Chick-fil-a with Kinsey

- Watching anime with a couple of friends (AKroll)

- Skyping with Mum and Dad and braiding my hair into a beard

My nineteenth year has been one just full of new experiences, change, learning more about myself, and understanding God and my relationship to Him.

As much as I can remember, this is the year that I: (not in order)

• Went to EA for the first time with a mindset of “sheep without a shepherd” and the necessity of the Gospel
• Had the hardest time there with cultural misunderstanding and being alone
• Experienced new friendship and old (seeing Maria and Tina, meeting new peeps in different organizations)
• Getting closer to my bro (in a different way than before)
• New roomie
• Gained 25 pounds since summer (forgot to mention it was sophomore 25, over fish 15)
• Got competetive with fencing (I never play competetive sports!)
• Feeling abandoned by different sets of friendships (cristy, knz, leah, maddie’s too far away)
• Being disappointed in Christians I have set my Hopes on. (silly me)
• Despite having the darkest spiritual, emotional, physical mental struggles, doubting God, feeling an utter sense of loneliness - have the most AMAZING set of Christian sisters that are going through the same struggles (Amber, Michelle (best neighbors), Sophia, Sarah Greenberg, Stephanie Cook, Bailee Stooks)
  
• Realizing that we are all people and although I have troubles, other people have troubles too, and I may rely on them here for emotional help but it us ultimately God who is unchangeable, faithful, everlasting, and not lacking in love. “If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself”. PRAISE GOD.
• My Itunes this year is discovering far more Screamo and Christian music than never before.
• OH AFTER EA the time when I had to share (preach a sermon!) about my experience there to High schoolers for one hour
• Teach at an art camp (WOW how did I ever handle that amount of kids) 
• Speak in front of the Church about sending people out towards different countries
• Talk with Mom as a sister and a friend and see how she feels and encourage each other rather than just a Mom (that fulfulls my needs)
• First time developing a real interest in learning Mandarin Chinese
• TOUGH MUDDER!!!!! RRAAGGGHGH (never finished though! I intend to)
• FIRED A RIFLE AND A SHOTGUN and hit 2 out of 5 skeets!! (same as nate!! heehee)
• had a scary roomie 
• have a relatively chill semester (jinx next ha)

I should better sleep now since my birthday dinner is today!! weeheeee

Flaws and weaknesses this semester (year)

It’s odd to think that the same Priscilla Hon who attended CAIS, dressed up in skanky mcskank clothes to a bible study and wore too much eyeliner and large hoop earrings, found reasons to hate her mom just to argue and build up the hate, backstabbed other girls, had a defiant attitude in church - is the same Priscilla who transformed into the girl who spontaneously raised $500 for Darfur, cried when she saw a multitude of people praising the One and Holy God, went to an East Asia mission trip, prayed for a street beggar, came back and was the speaker for a youth service, subsequently spoke to challenge the church to send missionaries, and is currently leading a Bible study of around 6 girls.

To me what is even odd is that this ‘new’ Priscilla is currently

• Fearful of social judgement (and still trying to fit in)
• Struggling with boldness to confront friends about areas in their life that is not in line with the Scripture, struggle to remain holy
• Doubtful of God’s existence (despite all the truths, the logic sense)
• If not of God’s existence, of his Love and care (despite the fact that Jesus defended me before the Righteousness of God even til death)
• GOSSIPING AGAIN. A good sister brought it to my attention even though I denied it vehemently at first
• Tendency to rely on emotions and placed my trust in human security/friendship/company rather than the unchanging faithfulness of God.
  
• Tendency not to own up to the blame
• Dishonesty in a million senses (untruthful with how I feel about someone; even if I disliked them, I will still smile and act as if I were okay)
• My undisciplined-ness. Mom mentioned it and I am feeling it so significantly - I cannot even commit to reading ONE verse of the Bible daily!
• Laziness and apathy - If I can lay in my bed or sleep rather than read the Bible/ encourage the girls in my dorm I would sleep :(
• Constantly seeing the flaws in people - even the best - even though I KNOW no one is perfect, and focusing on people’s flaws DOES NOTHING for me nor them - instead of seeing how God is using them!! In My life and others and for His good will
• Needing the love of people in order to feel boldness (what is up with that?)
• Among so many other things…

I HAVE LOST THE LOVE FOR GOD THAT I ONCE HAD.

Here is a trustworthy saying:

If we died with him,

we will also live with him;

if we endure,

we will also reign with him.

If we disown him,

he will also disown us;

if we are faithless,

he will remain faithful,

for he cannot disown himself.

                    II Timothy 2: 11-13

I’ve lost it. It’s funny that I can see this about myself and I can’t do anything to change it. Only God can change me, grow me, shape me.

I will wait upon the Lord

And if our God is for us, then who could be against us?

Feelings are not dependable. Train analogy

It seems like a circular argument,cuz it almost is, and there’s no way to break out of it. All morning I have felt SAD, LONELY and that God wasn’t there. I had derped around all morning, I just got back from fencing (after getting two points on this super tall guy with extra advantage of long arms scary!) and talking with this half asian girl that cussed a lot, so I felt a little bit hopeful and ready to start my day off. So I tried to make lunch out of the crap I had (potatos, a can of shroom soup and some spinach) and I finally decided to stop laying off my duty to call my bible study girls and ask them if they want to have lunch with me so we can talk about stuff, and I started making the spinach too, and none of them came. And then Leah brought Aaron into the room again and they started whispering to each other and watched the Office together and they were all snuggly (and Leah was putting her hand up Aaron’s shirt it was extremely awkward and they smooch and stuff) and it was so hard for me to focus so I left and felt extra lonely, cuz I felt like I had no friends. Also recently Knz stopped talking with me (I think it’s cuz I wouldn’t send her my programming homework… which is ridiculous because 1) she never goes to class 2) it’s cheating and 3) I offered to help her with it, but oh well). So I got all my stuff and ran away to the Viz lab and everyone was talking to each other and only Ethan talked to me (because he’s naturally friendly like that) and I felt even lonely and I had no friends. And then they all left for Chipotle without even asking me if I wanted to go. So I texted mom and skyped her and cried extra a lot and then she again suggested me to hurry and find a new roomie (which I am slightly considering b/c it’s so stressful to tell her and have her not listen and/or have to confront the issue basically) and told me to find my Christian sisters.

Then she noted maybe I’m feeling sad and lonely a lot of the reasons is because: I’m a Christian. I’m isolated from Leah cuz I don’t agree with some of her beliefs that it’s not right to get super touchy with her boyfriend (as touching leads to other sexy thoughts - it’s not even debatable) and the fact that even though we’re leaders we need a small group of girls that can keep us accountable and that we can’t just bull through life by ourself and Jesus told us that we need each other - thus the Body of Christ, not the hand of Christ or the leg of Christ. So there’s that… and then I’m isolated from Knz because I disagreed about the cheating thing. Now I agree that friends should be over homework, but I also agree that integrity is over friends. And I feel like I don’t belong in the Viz lab because they’re basically not following the path of God (the Halloween party was very risque, among other things they often do). In contrast, their view of me must be really boring and dull.

Matthew 7:13-14 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”

Another thing I was sad about was my inadequacy. I didn’t finish my homework, and I canceled my bible study because I was sick and tired (mostly tired) and couldn’t focus on anything. So I was completely useless. But remember in EA? I can’t do ANYTHING without God’s grace and help!! Duh! not even doing some homework. So of course I can’t do anything! God was the one that helped me in the first place!

Well so I was feeling extra alone in this whole world even though Mom repeatedly told me “feelings are lies, like maybe you do “feel” like you are alone but you’re really not! You have your Christian sisters and you have Jesus, he’s bigger than all your sisters combined. And he loves you a loads! And we suffer, and it’s good for us, but doesn’t mean it makes us feel like happy.” So she said that but I didn’t believe her but she made me call up Stephanie and Stephs was like I’ll make you a latte and I was a bit surprised and happy so I just went there and cried the whole time and just listened to her talk and her room was super cozy and comfy and the coffee helped me calm down and warm up and I don’t even remember half of what she said but as I talked with her she reminded me that God uses us in every situation, and sometimes the situation sucks (like in EA where we both felt less adequate than the rest of the team! wow) but God STILL uses us!! (the 2 girls that Stephanie brought to Jesus, and Rose!!!) So it’s not how useful we are to ourselves or to the world, but how useful we are to God! and that’s more meaningful than anything else woohoo cuz we can try to satisfy ourselves this whole life and nothing will make us Happy. Well it is better to be progressive for the Kingdom than stay in the same spot, cycling over happy feelings and unhappy feelings.

Praise God for His abundant kindness and mercy!!!

(Now I feel happy, and this is a blessing. Doesn’t mean I just get to praise God only when I’m happy though)

Creativity: Low power

It was Friday morning at 5 a.m. at the viz lab. I had sat there all night with around 6 other people; I might have come in the night before around 8 or 9, and I was TIRED. 9 hours since I’ve been to the lab and NOT ONE remotely good idea came to mind. I’ve never been this frustrated about coming up with ideas before. But for real not one idea came to mind. I was frustrated to the point of crying because I didn’t know what else to do. At around 3 a.m. everyone else had already formulated some idea and they were so excited and happy about it, and while I was still racking my brain for a great idea they were asking me for opinions about theirs. (In fact, thinking back on my reaction I hope I didn’t discourage them when they were looking for advice and encouragement because of my sad mood, like Leighton and his mirrors, and John and his angler fish)

But back on track – for nine hours I did nothing but sit around feeling tired and waiting for a good idea to inspire me. But nothing came. And at 5 in the morning I finally made an executive decision to give up and return to my dorm and at least catch 2 hours of sleep before I wake up for a psychology experiment then next morning. I was bitter and tired when I walked back to my dorm and I cried to God “I give up! Only you can help me now”. And I went to sleep at 7, wondering why I didn’t go to bed at 12 because it would’ve had the same result anyway. And an hour later I woke up to do my psychology experiment, a little sad and resigned, and then I went to calculus, trying SO hard to stay awake (it’s the brain closing down feeling so even if you pull your eyes apart you’ll still fall asleep) and I was doodling crap and cutting up my notebook and BAM suddenly I got an idea! THE LORD PROVIDES! I’m not even irritated about my wasted sleep hours last night because I got an idea and it was good. It had to do with two lights producing two shadows on one object, and I was hoping to combine the shadows of two objects to fake a shadow on one object. I’m still hoping it works.

I was so happy that right after calculus I immediately dashed off to the viz lab and started working crazily on the small model that was due in two hours. So the whole time I basically needed to present my idea even if the model sucked, it would convey the thought process. It was a simple idea. But it was a good one, and it wasn’t as directly off-topic like Patrick’s one, which is just underlighting, and Thomas’s one, which is simply shadow casting. So I am happy. God is the creator of creativity and no one will have a single creative thought but for Him. I learned that I shouldn’t dismiss other people’s sadness whenever they can’t think of an idea because it is SO hard to have nothing to take pride in, and not an idea that they can run with which they like. It is shameful, and almost impossible, for me to default to an already used idea, and unoriginal design. This is why I understand whenever Davison finds faults in people’s ideas and assignments – because they have already been used and is a gimmick. The point is to get past the gimmick and create something completely new. 

But EVERY time. Every time the LORD reminds me that it is not out of my own power that I can do anything. And I understand I have gotten a bit prideful on my accomplishments. Who couldn’t? A really humble person. And I understand that while most people have something holding them up – maybe a person that they’re in a relationship with, or their job, or a sport or a talent – mines is secretly my creativity, and I am super proud of it. That’s why it’s good to be weak, because only then will you not be blind to the power of God and stop relying on yourself. Cross country? Pneumonia? Too many times have I had to be brought back to being humble. But it’s for my good. And I am happier now knowing that God never fails to remind me that I am weak and I need him. 

” (1) the truth of walking by the Spirit through spiritual breathing (Dr. Bright): breathe in spiritual and breathe out unspiritual (sin, self center, worry, anxiety, stress) … do it like a breathing … initially artificial … once get used to become part of breathing … (2) pray while you are working …. like Nehemiah in the bible. you are right. there is one thing … truly mature christian is hard to find … Dad is seeking for a Paul to form a Paul-Timothy relationship during my college years. I learn something out of this: (1) never stop learning from somebody; (2) there may be multiple- Paul: different people have different things we learn from; (3) try to feed yourself with the Bible: road from babe to adult; and (4) be a “giver”: giving is one way to grow … (5) don’t be disappointed by risking life to grow … if you keep trying, never give up… the Lord will honor you and let you find a way of growth that fit well with you personality and background … see, how we spend so many year try-and-error for our academic … so few christian spend equal time to experiment spiritual life”

~dad

Winter

once a snowflake fell
on my brow and i loved
it so much and i kissed
it and it was happy and called its cousins
and brothers and a web
of snow engulfed me then
i reached to love them all
and i squeezed them and they became
a spring rain and i stood perfectly
still and was a flower

~Nikki Giovanni

Highlight of tonight?

Taylor Ellis got bitten by a vicious dog and Geoff Dunn yelled ASIAN at the TV and grinned at me.